A Silver Lining

I recently graduated from a Writing Class. It sounds strange because who goes to class to be taught how to write? Didn’t the pre-school teachers do a good job at that? It is even stranger that given my history in writing while I was in high school, I would sign up for a Writing Class but I did. I realized that while I knew how to write, I knew very little about writing. I was deeply ignorant about so many aspects about writing and publishing that I would be ashamed to view myself as a ‘writer’. While I went through the entire cycle of writing as I authored my first book last year, it did little to grant me adequate exposure to the art and process of writing. I sought to fill those gaps in the course I took. 

Through five weeks of intense learning, assignments and exposure I was thoroughly equipped as a writer. Our lessons revolved around writing in the African context, publishing, editing, types of writing among others. Each lesson left me awed at my ignorance that I had previously worn without an ounce of shame. In my wildest thoughts, I would never have imagined that it was possible to graduate online. But here I was, in the company of my classmates enjoying a graduation on the zoom platform. Unbeknownst to me, this day of academic triumph would end in tears.

As I went to bed that night, I recounted the events of the day and there was one crucial element that was missing in it: my dad. My greatest cheerleader was not at my graduation to cheer me on. He wasn’t there to say, ‘I love you and I am proud of you.’ His absence dealt a major blow. All the pomp and color that had lightened up the day was gradually replaced by the gloom and despair of death. I remembered how often as a child I would eagerly wait for his return so that I could display my academic accolades. He would look at me with pride-filled eyes and I knew, I had made it! That was all I needed to see!

In the midst of my sobs I stopped and thought for a moment. Maybe just maybe, he wouldn’t have been proud of me at this moment. That sudden realization hit me hard. While he had always been proud of my academic prowess, he would never have supported me in this venture. What is there to talk about a child who writes? Who makes a living from writing? How do you explain to your peers that your daughter is a writer; not a doctor, lawyer, teacher or nurse? I wept bitterly. It pained me to know that I would never pursue my writing dream in the full knowledge of my father. It would never make sense to him and if it didn’t matter to him, it shouldn’t matter to me.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I remembered all the dreams I had to shelve because they were not good enough to those who mattered. I remembered that I stopped reading and writing because it would never amount to anything. I recalled the many times I was out on teens camps and church missions and my mind would be wandering. I would imagine how shocked my father would be if I had an accident or died while in such places. I always hid this from him because he would never have approved of it. I am so passionate about outreach and mentorship so there was no way I wasn’t going to do it. I was willing to pay the price. I silently hoped and wished that he would approve of it someday. Unfortunately, that day never came.

I call 2020 the year of my rebirth. It is the year I am finally getting to do all the things I was always afraid of doing because they would either not be approved of or because I was afraid to fail. My graduation that day was a huge breakthrough. I had finally achieved one of the things I should have done 10 years ago. I am currently taking part in an Editing Course; another thing that I should have done much earlier. Further, I am redefining who I really am and what I love. I have become more experimental with food, dressing, hobbies and interests. I have redesigned my list of what and who should really matter. I am stepping out more confidently, speaking out more often and getting more in touch with my emotions. I am venturing into uncharted waters and enjoying it! 

I am loving this clean slate that life has offered me. I will go at it for all it’s worth!

 

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