The Curse of Loving Too Much

Is there a measure of love? Are there people who love too little or too much or don’t love at all? Do you love someone with the same measure throughout your relationship or does love grow gradually?

There are no grey areas for me when it comes to love. I either love you or I don’t. I love fiercely, unreservedly and sacrificially. I am not a superficial lover; I love deeply. I am the kind of friend who will move heaven and earth just to be there for someone I care about. I count no inconveniences provided I succeed in putting a smile on a friend’s face. I remember all the right dates: your wedding anniversary, your children’s birthdays, the day your first child took his first step, his first day at school, the day you lost your pregnancy and sometimes, the day you lost your virginity if you care to tell me. I don’t keep a calendar; I am just unfortunate enough to have a good memory. I will go to every length and breadth to get you a sentimental gift for your birthday without caring about the price tag attached to it. I am the friend who will walk into a pharmacy and buy you morning-after pills with a straight face because, though I don’t mind being your child’s nanny, what you do with your sexuality is at your sole discretion.

For a long time, I thought it didn’t matter if my love was reciprocated or not. I was content with not receiving any gifts for my birthday. I was elated any time someone cared enough to remember my birthday because being a Boxing Day baby meant that the hullabaloo of Christmas was of utmost priority and more important. My birthday would almost always be forgotten because it was Christmas! It has always been the perfect excuse. I could easily count how many of my ‘friends’ were at my graduation party. As usual, there was something more important. And then my father died and I realized that I was, in most cases, in unrequited relationships. I embarked on a pruning journey and shed off so many friends. People who didn’t care enough to call or send a condolence message at the very least yet in their hour of need I had been there. I remembered taking long trips to Western Kenya, Meru, Mombasa and so many other places just to be there for a friend. I laughed at the memory of taking leave to support a new mum because learning the ropes of parenting is no mean task. Yet, at my father’s burial, they were conveniently absent.

The saddest thing about ‘loving too much’ is that it is not just what you do, it is who you are. You put up high walls and muster all the defenses you can to keep people away but it is never enough. Your charade never lasts long enough. Within no time all your guards are willfully lowered and you are hotly in pursuit of a new friendship. There is just something about them that draws you closer and before you know it, your entire being is already hooked. In a very short space of time, you know the right dates, their favorite colors, the people they care about, their favorite drink and the gift that would be most valuable to them. From past experiences, you are almost certain it will end in tears but you convince yourself that there will be no regrets whichever way it goes. You will have given it your all. Early warning signs of a heartbreak are there in plain sight but it is already too late to salvage your heart. A heart that has become all too familiar with this cycle of events.

You have resigned to your fate. You have learnt to live with your curse because that is the price that life chose for you. You keep hope alive. You hold on because someday, you might encounter someone who will love you just as much.